Questions
by Scandalacious Intentions
Summary: How do I get myself into these situations? No, seriously. How? Never before have I awoken as an animated bag of straw. Still though, there’s a first time for everything."


**Disclaimer: Just to double check…nope, still not mine**

**Merry Christmas, especially to Dee who asked for this.**

How do I get myself into these situations? No, seriously. _How_? Why does this sort of thing always happen to me? Not that being arrested is especially alien. I've had a few wild nights, that's all I'm saying. Not that pain is especially alien either, for that matter. After said wild nights, I've usually fallen somewhere or ended up with a few bruises that I have no recollection of acquiring.

However, never before have I awoken as an animated bag of straw. Still though, there's a first time for everything. It'll certainly be an experience. To be perfectly honest, after these last couple of days, I have had enough experiences to last me a lifetime; which, when you think about it, is probably just as well.

Having said that, I somehow then managed to get myself involved with a total nutter wearing gingham (anyone who wears gingham immediately qualifies as a nutter in my opinion), and her dog. I keep telling myself that I went with her because she needs protecting from this country's whole corrupt government. I didn't go because I was getting bored on my pole. I didn't go because the witch is after her and I had rather missed Elphie, although in my head, our reunion did not consist of threats (on her part I hasten to add, I was perfectly civil considering she'd just tried to burn me alive) and fireballs. I certainly didn't go because I had nothing else to do.

I was right. I really _am_ brainless. I've lost it now, there's no nice way of saying it.

I could have left if I was trying to protect her. I could have left after she met the Tin-man (not impressed by his Elphie-bashing) but I didn't. Once again, it was just as well. Not that I'm a lot of use against a Lion. Boq had his axe but would he use it? Hell no. He wanted a heart apparently. He _needs_ a spine. Oz, he makes me want to beat the bolts out of him and I would if I could.

Speaking of the Lion, don't even get me started. He's even worse than Boq, who is acting like such a queen, mincing around and moaning for oil. I ask you. I mean, alright the woods were a bit creepy, but no-one told Gingham Girl it was going to be a walk in the park. Actually, I think they did; pesky Munchkins.

And that bloody dog! I think it fancies me if I'm honest. It won't leave me alone. So does Dorothy I think. She keeps insisting I call her Dotty and putting her arm round me. She says it's because I need supporting. I know these tactics; I used to be the master of them. I even once debated twisting Elphaba's ankle when we were in college because she wasn't falling for them. I hope 'Dotty' isn't thinking of twisting mine and taking me home with her. I've been mutilated enough, thank you very much. I think I've got the hang of walking by now but still, apparently I have to be half carried down the road. It doesn't exactly radiate masculinity, does it? I need all the masculinity I can get right now. I caught Boq smirking at me. Maybe he was giving me the eye.

I'm starting to think the whole country has taken ecstasy because suddenly, they all think everybody's lovely. Well, where's my share? And for Oz's sake, someone give some to Elphaba before she has a nervous breakdown. They won't now anyway because they think she's dead.

To be honest, I know how she felt. I've become very twitchy, though that's probably because I felt something on my leg a few nights ago and it was too dark to see what. There's a whole list of suspects, excluding myself and the Lion who's too afraid of sex to try and initiate it. Not that I'd be any good. Although, you never know until you try it. Thing is, I don't want to try it; not with any of this motley crew anyway.

Not that I'm not flattered, although frankly, once you've been a sex symbol, you get so used to this sort of thing that it becomes boring.

Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened had I just been able to keep my mouth shut. "Of course some people do go both ways." What kind of nonsense was that? I've said stupider things though, namely "Oil can what?" (perfectly reasonable question if you ask me), "I'm not afraid of her" (a blatant lie because Elphaba has always petrified me) and "Yes Glinda, no Glinda, three bags full Glinda," (which is perhaps less easy to understand). Oz, Glinda seems a lifetime away, it's difficult to believe that I had a life beyond this, once.

What was I rambling about? Oh yes, if I hadn't spurted nonsense at her, Gingham Girl might have left me to hang there and it's fairly obvious that Elphie has absolutely no idea who, or I suppose the right word is _what_ now, I am. Maybe I would have been left there forever. I think I'll take the sexual assault and be thankful.

She's really not a bad kid, Dorothy. She's alright, I suppose. If she wasn't so intent on killing my one and only, we could have been friends. I don't know how we could exchange Lurlinemas cards without Elphie going absolutely spare but I'd think of something…if I could think.

Wait. I _can_ think. I've got a brain and a perfectly good one at that. I hatched a master plan, which I can't really tell you about and it was me who thought of sending her to Glinda. Oz, I'm good and frankly, I don't need a diploma (which, I'll be honest with you, is actually just a piece of drainpipe with a bow on it) to tell me that.

"Goodbye, Tinman. Oh, don't cry! You'll rust so dreadfully. Here's your oil can."

Do you know, I almost feel sorry for the kid.

"Now I know I've got a heart, 'cause it's breaking..."

Oh really now. I ask you. How cliché.

"Goodbye, Lion. I know it isn't right, but I'm going to miss the way you used to holler for help before you found your courage."

So will I. He was a pain in the arse but he was worth it for the comic relief. He drove me to insanity and at the same time, kept me sane. Alright, so he's an over-grown, paranoid house cat, (when did I become such a bitch?) but he just takes a bit of getting used to.

"I never would've found it if it hadn't been for you..."

Oh, I think you probably could have. You couldn't spend the rest of your life running from squirrels.

"I think I'm going to miss you most of all."

Yeah, I bet you will. Nice try but I'm still not going to Kansas. Damn, what the hell do I say to that? Before I can think of it, she's gone anyway and Glinda is floating away into the distance, for which I am thankful. I can imagine the sort of awkwardness this situation could cause and it's not pretty. Needless to say, 'Hello dear, remember me?' would not be a sufficient opening.

So that leaves me to set the final stages of my plan in motion. Super, I'd say that was my good deed done for the day for about a year. That's three hundred and sixty-four days of doing sod all for anyone else.

"Well, I'd best be off."

I might has well have told them that I was heading back to Kiamo Ko to free the witch and live with her in Ix. Shit. I shouldn't have said that. Forget that I told you that.

"You're leaving?"

Yes Boq, I'm leaving. Don't look at me like that.

"You didn't think I was going to live the rest of my life with you pair, did you?"

I'm laughing hysterically when I realise that I'm the only one who is. So they _did_ think that. Oh dear.

"Live my life here when there are so many algebra problems to be solved?"

Nice save Yero.

And Boq's staring at me like I've grown a spare head which, given my decidedly odd circumstances these past couple of days, somehow doesn't seem so impossible. I can't help but stare at his axe.

_How_ do I get myself into these situations?


End file.
